For men who are only beginning to question or recognize the destructive nature of their relationship with their wife and/or children and are perhaps experiencing uncomfortable and unexpected resistance and/or confrontation from various people in their life, they often ask themselves this question:

“Am I abusive?”

Men regularly contact PeaceWorks with this same question. Their stories are similar as they explain that their spouse or church leaders have expressed concerns, engaged in confrontation, or enacted consequences (such as marital separation or church discipline). Many of these men express surprise or grief because of these concerns, confrontations, and consequences. They are caught off guard by these claims of abuse. Now, some of these men, unfortunately, are unwilling to honestly address these claims and are only looking for information from PeaceWorks that would enable them to further engage in unhelpful minimization, denial, and blame responses. Other men though may genuinely want to understand what it is they are being accused of and how they might experience transformation. If you are a man in this second group, we’d like to share a few resources that will assist you in humbly and honestly assessing the reality of your relationship dynamics and the way in which these dynamics impact those around you, primarily your spouse and children.

Prayer
Prayer is always the first and primary work. If others are calling your attention to aspects of your beliefs and/or behaviors that you are currently unwilling or unable to see, you will need more than information. You need eyes to see. Take a cue from King David, who, when confronted the realities of his sin, cried out to the Lord, not with defensiveness or attempts to conceal and excuse, but rather with an earnest desire for his sin to be revealed and dealt with righteously (2 Samuel 11-12, Psalm 51).

Self-Reflection
Grab a piece of paper and work through the following preliminary questions. Ideally, you will not be doing this self-reflection in isolation, but alongside someone who knows you well enough to provide honest and knowledgeable feedback on your answers.

Are people already confronting you? If so, are you truly listening to their concerns? What are they pointing to as evidence of your abuse?
How are you experienced by the people around you? Do your friends and family members have freedom to disagree with, contradict, or confront you without fear of negative repercussions or are they afraid of, intimidated by, or “walking on eggshells” around you?
How do you tend to feel in situations that are outside your control? How do you tend to respond when you don’t get what you want in life?

Assessments
Here are two assessments for you to work through. Again, ideally you will complete these assessments alongside someone who knows you well enough to provide honest and knowledgeable feedback on your answers.

“What Kind of Abusive Man am I?” Assessment from the Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan

Appendix B, "Behavior Inventory," in The Heart of Domestic Abuse: Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Control and Violence in the Home by Chris Moles

PeaceWorks Blog

On our Blog, we have some posts (with corresponding worksheets) written directly to abusive men. These will be helpful as you evaluate how you have responded so far to the concerns being communicated to you.

The PeaceWorks Podcast
On The PeaceWorks Podcast Chris addresses a variety of domestic abuse related topics. We recommend that men seeking to understand abuse and the necessary change process begin by listening to the following episodes:

Shepherding Teams
Though it’s already been said, we cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you not assess or evaluate yourself in isolation but instead intentionally surround yourself with and submit yourself to the insight and wisdom of others. We recommend building a team of people helpers (counselors, advocates, pastors, church leaders, law enforcement, etc.) who can speak honestly into your life, clarify and represent your spouse’s concerns, and provide any necessary accountability.

Men of Peace Self-Paced Course

The Men of Peace Self-Paced Course is the compilation of all of Chris Moles’ past Men of Peace coaching content plus brand-new material. This course will walk men through the three-fold Men of Peace process of Information, Transformation, and Reformation, educating and guiding men who are ready to take ownership of their abusive behaviors and surrender themselves fully to the Lord in true and lasting repentance. Please be aware this course DOES NOT include a direct coaching component with Chris Moles. Instead, the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course is designed to be used within the context of an already established biblical counseling or coaching relationship, with the abusive man enlisting the discipleship and accountability support of a local counselor, pastor, or mentor. Once purchased, each course participant will have permanent access to all course materials.

To learn more about the course, please visit the Men of Peace website. There you'll find detailed information for you, your spouse, and your shepherding team members. The Men of Peace Self-Paced Course includes the following components.

Ten Education Modules
Each Module is made up of five (5-15 minute) sessions (each session available in both video and MP3 form) which will teach the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course content (50 videos/audio files total).
One (150+ Page) Reflection & Application Workbook
Alongside each Education Module, participants will use the corresponding PDF Reflection and Application Workbook (can be completed digitally or printed as a hard copy) to guide their personal reflection upon and application of the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course content.
Ten Comprehension Quizzes
After completing each Education Module (see above) participants will complete a Comprehension Quiz to assess their general comprehension of the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course content.
Shepherding Team Support Packet
Within the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course, participants will be given directions on how they can establish their own Shepherding Team as well as resources to share with their Shepherding Team members in order to familiarize them with the course content.

At the end of the day, whether you are currently convinced that your behaviors are abusive or not, if you are being confronted by people who care for you, it is because your behaviors are affecting them in a way that is definitely significant and very likely destructive. While we know it is difficult and uncomfortable to hear such concerns, we pray you will take them seriously and give them the time and consideration they deserve, for the sake of your own soul and the well-being of the people who care for you most.