This week we continue in our PeaceWorks University member submission series. Many in our membership are already actively engaging the topic of domestic abuse through their own writing and we would like to give them the opportunity for additional exposure as well as thoughtful feedback from our readership. Please be aware that the views presented in this series do not represent the views of Chris Moles or PeaceWorks University.

Women in abusive marriages need lots of spiritual support. They need help understanding their situations rightly, wisdom to consider appropriate next steps, encouragement to cling to the Lord’s promises in a time of suffering and uncertainty, and loving friendships to remind them that their lives aren’t all about their destructive marriages. Cleary, the church plays a vital role in the lives of abused women. But consider how the church can lose its place as a safe haven once the marital abuse is disclosed to leadership. Paradoxically, as a plan for intervention and help is put into place, church can become an uncomfortable place unless the leadership takes intentional steps to prevent that from happening. For example, what happens to a woman’s experience of church if her husband is asked to stop attending services with his wife? While this request is directed toward enhancing her sense of safety and comfort at church, it can have unintended negative consequences for her. At some point, the husband’s absence will be noted and inquired about by well-meaning church members. Suddenly, the wife feels awkward and uncomfortable, and has no idea what to say. In the same way, what should her children say when their friends innocently ask where their dad is, and why he doesn’t come to church anymore? Consider also that in most evangelical churches, separation and divorce are — rightfully — not the norm, and many women question their identity in the church if they are no longer living with their husbands. Are they second-class members, viewed skeptically by those who don’t know the details of her home life? While she is likely in the care of one of the pastors who hopefully believes and affirms her, she may question what the others think of her and her story. Remember that abused women have been disrespected, disbelieved and dishonored by the one who knows them best, so these doubts and questions are completely understandable. While we cannot preclude all potential awkwardness, churches can take proactive steps to anticipate and address these common problems. Here are a few suggestions for how churches might help women navigate these issues.  Help her anticipate the questions that will come from caring members, so she won’t feel shocked into stunned silence or be tempted toward gossip, disrespect for her husband, defensiveness or avoidance. Develop with her some stock answers she can provide that are truthful, yet maintain the family’s privacy. One example might be, “We’re spending some time apart while the church helps us work through some marriage issues.” Make sure she understands that she is not obligated to answer every question that is asked.

Ask the wife what she is comfortable having the leadership say if a member of the congregation poses questions. While leadership may not wish to say everything she would allow, they should certainly not be saying more.
Help her prepare the children for questions. Kids tend not to understand the implications of their revelations, and unwanted stories can travel through a congregation quickly, fueled by little tongues. Older children will experience the same awkwardness and temptations as their mother, but advance discussions and prepared responses can give them confidence to communicate well.
Remind her that not all communication can be perfectly controlled; unwanted information might make its way into the congregation. However, we can prayerfully entrust these things to the Lord, asking him to superintend, protect and comfort. Her identity is rooted in Christ, and nothing said by anyone can shake her true standing.
While the wife will likely have one or two points of contact with the leadership, other elders and ministry leaders should make a point of expressing their care, concern and prayerful support. Don’t leave the wife guessing about what the rest of leadership thinks; be explicit about your belief, affirmation and care.
Make a point of having elders and ministry leaders sit with the family each week. This provides her a public form of spiritual cover which can head off unhelpful speculation about her status and actions.
Provide practical and financial help as the church is able so the family understands the church’s commitment to their well-being.
Encourage the family’s participation in the life of the church to push against any temptation to view themselves as “less than.” Of course, we must keep in mind that in most cases, the husband will be a part of the church family as well. Since the goal is always repentance and restoration of the marriage, we cannot allow him to become a pariah whose reputation is forever tainted in the church. The church’s care for the husband can be no less than that provided to the wife, although it may look different. Here are some ways that we can care well for husbands:
If the church does not have multiple services or alternative sites, actively assist the husband in identifying a gospel-preaching church where he can attend temporarily. Connect him with the leadership of that church so that they can minister to him in whatever capacity is appropriate.
Help the husband anticipate congregational questions at his new service or church. It is common for friendly church members to inquire about family, which will provide him with the same temptations that his wife will face. He too, should be provided with some stock answers so he can attend church with comfort and confidence.
Limit the details that are shared with your congregation. We want to woo the sinful into repentance, not shred their reputations and heap shame on them. Assure the husband that every effort is being taken not to disparage him within his congregation.
Make whatever extra efforts are required to maintain your connection, counseling and care especially if the husband is attending elsewhere. The pastors continue to have spiritual responsibility for him while he remains a member. Even elders who are not directly involved can text or email about how they are praying for him and his family since they won’t see him week to week.
While the path out of an abusive marriage is a difficult one, we can make it just a little bit easier by anticipating and equipping for these common issues, helping to keep the church the haven it’s supposed to be.