A Biblical First Response to Domestic Abuse by James Maxwell

This week we continue in our PeaceWorks University member submission series. Many in our membership are already actively engaging the topic of domestic abuse through their own writing and we would like to give them the opportunity for additional exposure as well as thoughtful feedback from our readership. Please be aware that the views presented in this series do not represent the views of Chris Moles or PeaceWorks University.

Abuse. It’s an ugly word for an ugly category of sin, but it is not a word used frequently in the King James Bible. In fact, the noun spelled “abuse” is not there at all. The verb “abuse” is found three times, twice relating to how King Saul feared the Philistines might treat his body, and once relating to the wrong way for a pastor to execute the duties of his office.

English is a nuanced language, and word use changes over time. In 1611 the words “knew his wife” were generally followed by the word “conceived.” What a difference 400 years can make! If I met a man today who told me he knew my wife in high school, I would be pleased to meet him. Word usage does change over time.

A biblical word that is close to what counselors see in domestic “abuse” is the word “oppress.” For example, Psalm 103:6 says, “The Lord executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.” God sees oppression as an evil act requiring intervention by someone more powerful than the oppressor.

Certainly we are to “Recompense no man evil for evil” (Romans 12:17), but what shall we do? God also expects His people to submit to the authorities He ordains in their lives. What, then, is a biblical response for a Christian to respond to oppression by those to whom God has entrusted some level of authority? (Certainly, the Lord entrusts husbands with some level of authority in marriage.) Can we find examples in the Bible?

Perhaps we would do well to start with the Master. What did Jesus do when the Jews of His day sought to oppress or abuse Him?

Mark 3 opens with Jesus healing a man on the Sabbath.

Mark 3:6-7a

“And the Pharisees went forth, and straightway took counsel with the Herodians against him, how they might destroy him. But Jesus withdrew himself with his disciples to the sea.

Jesus went where his abusers were not.

In Luke 4 Jesus presented Himself and His ministry to the leaders in Nazareth.

Luke 4:28-31

And all they in the synagogue, when they heard these things, were filled with wrath, and rose up, and thrust him out of the city, and led him unto the brow of the hill whereon their city was built, that they might cast him down headlong. But he passing through the midst of them went his way, and came down to Capernaum, a city of Galilee, and taught them on the sabbath days.”  

Jesus went where his abusers were not.

Jesus plainly made Himself equal with the Father, and once again the Jews wanted to kill Him.

John 10:30-41

I and my Father are one.

Then the Jews took up stones again to stone him. Jesus answered them, Many good works have I shewed you from my Father; for which of those works do ye stone me? The Jews answered him, saying, For a good work we stone thee not; but for blasphemy; and because that thou, being a man, makest thyself God. Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods? If he called them gods, unto whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken; say ye of him, whom the Father hath sanctified, and sent into the world, Thou blasphemest; because I said, I am the Son of God? If I do not the works of my Father, believe me not. But if I do, though ye believe not me, believe the works: that ye may know, and believe, that the Father is in me, and I in him.

Therefore they sought again to take him: but he escaped out of their hand, and went away again beyond Jordan into the place where John at first baptized; and there he abode.

When the Father called Him to the cross, Jesus obeyed, but until that time He went where his abusers were not.

Of course, Jesus IS God, and the Jews had no authority over Him. He chose when to lay His life down and when to take it up again, but what of the early church? Did Christians under Caesar, and the Jews with his authority simply submit to authority and suffer well? There was a persecution after the death of Stephen.

Acts 8:1

“And Saul was consenting unto his death. And at that time there was a great persecution against the church which was at Jerusalem; and they were all scattered abroad throughout the regions of Judæa and Samaria, except the apostles.

There was no prayer meeting or discussion. The followers of Christ went where their abusers were not.

Saul became Paul. What of Paul? He, through the Holy Spirit instructed us to submit to the higher powers and warned us that in failing to do so we could be subject to condemnation (the Bible word is “damnation”) of God. He fled at least twice.

Acts 9:23-25

“But Saul increased the more in strength, and confounded the Jews which dwelt at Damascus, proving that this is very Christ.  And after that many days were fulfilled, the Jews took counsel to kill him: but their laying await was known of Saul. And they watched the gates day and night to kill him. Then the disciples took him by night, and let him down by the wall in a basket.

Acts 14:5-7

And when there was an assault made both of the Gentiles, and also of the Jews with their rulers, to use them despitefully, and to stone them, they were ware of it, and fled unto Lystra and Derbe, cities of Lycaonia, and unto the region that lieth round about: and there they preached the gospel.”

Until the Holy Ghost made Paul’s direction to Jerusalem plain, it was his habit to go where his abusers were not. Paul, by all accounts was a diminutive man with ailments. II Corinthians 10 indicates that his bodily presence was “weak.” What of the sword swinging giant of a fisherman we know as the Apostle Peter? The Lord would use him to instruct us about submitting to authority.

I Peter 2:13-15

Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord’s sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well. For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men.

Would Herod fall in that category above? The Lord led Peter to go where his God ordained authority, and abuser was not.

Acts 12:7-11

And, behold, the angel of the Lord came upon him, and a light shined in the prison: and he smote Peter on the side, and raised him up, saying, Arise up quickly. And his chains fell off from his hands. And the angel said unto him, Gird thyself, and bind on thy sandals. And so he did. And he saith unto him, Cast thy garment about thee, and follow me. And he went out, and followed him; and wist not that it was true which was done by the angel; but thought he saw a vision.  When they were past the first and the second ward, they came unto the iron gate that leadeth unto the city; which opened to them of his own accord: and they went out, and passed on through one street; and forthwith the angel departed from him. And when Peter was come to himself, he said, Now I know of a surety, that the Lord hath sent his angel, and hath delivered me out of the hand of Herod, and from all the expectation of the people of the Jews.

An angel took Peter where his abuser was not, and Peter sought safety in the church. Can the oppressed find safety in your church?

There may be no better example of a follower fleeing the power of abuser than David fleeing Saul. I Samuel 18-20 gives the account of how the king, “God’s anointed”, as David called him, proved himself to be danger to David. The crowned prince, Jonathan, helped David know Saul’s intentions, and then risked his own life to help David flee. For the rest of Saul’s life, David went where his abuser, the King of Israel, was not. The man after God’s own heart did not sweetly submit to his abuser; he fled.

God did ordain authority. Malachi 2 discusses His judgement for violence in marriage and for abuse of the position men had in Jewish courts. In Romans 13 He ordained government as His servants to protect the person of individuals.

Common sense had already given us the conclusion. We knew it before we began, but because those who believe God’s Word hold marriage in such high esteem, it is fitting that we examine the Scriptures. Having done so, we must conclude that wives have the right to safety from oppression. Mathew 18 and I Corinthians 6 are among passages that would put at least part of the burden of enforcing such safety upon the church.

What to do after a wife has gone where her abuser is not is an excellent topic for another day. For now, let it suffice to say that we serve a God who wants judgment for all that are oppressed.”

THE BEAUTY OF CONFRONTATION

Today's post is by my friend Beverly Moore. 

Many people cringe when they hear the word “confrontation.” Some say they prefer surgery to having to confront someone. You also have the other end of the spectrum—someone always ready to sniff out sin and get in someone’s face about it. As Christians, it’s very important to have a biblical view of confrontation.

A Biblical Definition of Confrontation

A biblical definition of confrontation is having a face-to-face encounter with someone in order to bring biblical truth to bear on an area of concern. This is to be done with humility and motivated by love for God and love for the person confronted. We are to speak the truth in love to glorify God and benefit the person.

Why Should We Confront?

We all fall short of the glory of God, and many times we don’t even see the sin that has us trapped (1 John 1:8). The Apostle Paul tells us in 2 Timothy 3:16-17

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

These verses make it clear that rebuking and correcting are to be taken seriously, practiced regularly, and to be done for the glory of God and the furthering of His Kingdom.

When we confront, we’re demonstrating love for God and obedience to Him. We’re also demonstrating love for the person. We’re more concerned about honoring God and the spiritual well-being of the other person than we are about our own comfort. When we’re reluctant to confront we sometimes rationalize and justify with thoughts like: What if she gets mad? What if I hurt his feelings? What if she doesn’t like me anymore? This reveals what we’re truly worshiping—the love and acceptance of others. When we confront, we have to be willing to risk the person’s rejection or anger for the sake of God’s honor.

How We Should We Confront

Our goal should not be to inflict pain or seek revenge. Our goal is to honor God in everything we say and do, including confronting someone. Start by praying diligently for your own heart as well as the other person’s heart before confronting, and pray diligently after. Trust God to help you, knowing He will give you the grace you need to obey Him. Trust also that He will work in the heart of the other person.

Galatians 6:1 says that if we see a brother or sister who is caught in a sin, we should restore him or her gently. Restoration starts with loving confrontation. We need to be willing to go to this person and show him his fault (Matthew 18:15). I’m not advocating becoming this person’s personal conscience or play the junior Holy Spirit. But sin that is damaging the person’s testimony as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, and is clearly in violation of God’s Word, should be confronted firmly but with gentleness and respect.

Start by asking questions rather than assuming you know exactly what’s going on. Proverbs 18:13 tells us to listen first, then answer. If you’re concerned about something you see in a person’s life, explain what you see and ask for help to understand what’s happening. Do this with humility, not with a self-righteous, judgmental attitude. When we go with a humble attitude, we’re demonstrating we’re fully aware we don’t have it all together either and we need help just as much as them. We’re just one unworthy servant trying to help another unworthy servant glorify God.

Confronting an unbeliever of sin affords this person an opportunity to seek God’s forgiveness. In the case of child sexual abuse, confronting the perpetrator can bring reconciliation—with God and the one sinned against. (If this is the situation, please seek wise counsel on confronting a perpetrator.) View this as a golden opportunity to share the gospel with them. Explain how you’ve experienced God’s love and forgiveness through Jesus Christ, and how you desire that for them too. We can’t personally rescue people from hell, but we can point them to One who makes forgiveness and salvation possible.

Points to Consider When Confronting

If we haven’t made it a habit to speak truthfully and lovingly to the people in our lives, practicing transparency and approachability, confrontation could seem very fearful. It’s important to focus on pleasing God rather than our feelings of fear. We have to set our hearts and minds on the things above rather than on the things of this earth (like our own comfort or ease).

The goal is to obey God by following His commands. Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love, and Ephesians 4:29 instructs us to speak words that build up, not tear down. Our words should benefit the one listening. This doesn’t mean we should skirt around the issue to be confronted, avoiding calling sin sin. But it does mean that we speak the truth without compromise while at the same time not attacking the person.

Responses

Be prepared for unexpected responses. We have to keep our expectations in check. How we hope the person will respond can’t be the goal. We should be prepared for a response of anger or denial. We have to leave the results up to God. A person’s initial response may be one of anger or hurt, but allow time for the Holy Spirit to work in his or her heart.

Confronting others is not always easy and can seem unkind. Yet in reality it’s a loving thing to do. We can follow Jesus’ example as He demonstrated honor for His Father when He confronted while on earth. Lovingly confronting, rebuking, and correcting demonstrates we are living for the King and the Kingdom. In all things, may God be glorified!

 

MooreBev.jpg

Bev Moore (M.A.B.C.) is on the counseling staff at Faith Church in Lafayette, IN. She is married to George and they have two grown sons. She co-authored In the Aftermath: Past the Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse. 

Free Indeed: A Survivor Story

This week we continue in our PeaceWorks University member submission series. Many in our membership are already actively engaging the topic of domestic abuse through their own writing and we would like to give them the opportunity for additional exposure as well as thoughtful feedback from our readership. Please be aware that the views presented in this series do not represent the views of Chris Moles or PeaceWorks University.

This week’s post was submitted by a PeaceWorks University member who would like to remain anonymous.

What a difference a year can make. Last New Year’s Eve, my husband physically assaulted me in our new home. This wasn’t the first time of course. I’d been involved in this sick dance for several years at this point. But, something inside my head and heart clicked into place during this (final) New Year’s Eve assault. One, I thought, “you will never touch me again after this night.” Two, “if my daughter and granddaughter were assaulted this way and I knew about it, I would physically remove them from the situation; no matter what it cost. Why then, did I think that I was worth less than that?”

New Year’s Day 2018 started the toughest journey of my life. After fasting (intermittently) and praying for 4 days, I decided to file for divorce. (This was after 2 years of intense counseling trying to save the marriage). I prayed, “Lord, if this is the wrong decision, please close the doors. I don’t know what else to do. He keeps saying he’s changing, but his actions speak louder than his words.”

And the doors stayed wide open the entire year. My husband (now ex) never apologized or took responsibility for his actions. Not once did he admit to what he had been doing to me; physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Not once did he show remorse or shame or brokenness.  All he wanted was money and what I could do for him.

Talk about seeing things clearly. There is still a part of my heart that loves him and because of that love and the vows I took before God, I desperately fought for him (and me) to get well. My dream was that we could heal and mentor other couples in the same situation we were in. But, that was not to be. See, I know that God’s love can change anyone (I’ve seen it over and over again). I know that the love of a good woman can change a man. But, what I forgot about, was “free will.” He chose to break his marital vows by his actions. He chose himself over me and my children. He chose “stuff” instead of relationship. And he didn’t love me even though he said he did. Love doesn’t stab you in the back. Love doesn’t lie about you to others. Love doesn’t physically assault you. Love isn’t cruel and controlling, manipulative and violent. Love is the opposite of these things.

I chose to walk away from an abusive relationship. It has been the toughest choice I’ve ever made, but also the best. I am free from bondage. I am free to love again. I am free to rebuild my life into something that I’m proud of. I am not only a survivor, but am thriving. I am an overcomer! Being abused by my intimate partner was a lesson I never wanted to learn. But, I’m grateful for the Gift I’ve been given. My eyes are open in ways I’ve never imagined. And I will never be the same. And for this, I am eternally grateful!

“I love you, God—

you make me strong.

God is bedrock under my feet,

the castle in which I live,

my rescuing knight.

My God—the high crag

where I run for dear life,

hiding behind the boulders,

safe in the granite hideout.

I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty,

and find myself safe and saved.

The hangman’s noose was tight at my throat;

devil waters rushed over me.

Hell’s ropes cinched me tight;

death traps barred every exit.

A hostile world! I call to God,

I cry to God to help me.

From his palace he hears my call;

my cry brings me right into his presence—

a private audience!”

Psalm 18:1-6 MSG


“But me he caught—reached all the way

from sky to sea; he pulled me out

Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,

the void in which I was drowning.

They hit me when I was down,

but God stuck by me.

He stood me up on a wide-open field;

I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

God made my life complete

when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together,

he gave me a fresh start.

Now I’m alert to God’s ways;

I don’t take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works;

I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together,

and I’m watching my step.

God rewrote the text of my life

when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.”

Psalm 18:16-24 MSG


Telling the Truth to Yourself

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” Proverbs 28:13

So often when I ask men to share with me how they came to be in a batterer intervention group I find they are eager to “set the record straight.” Generally speaking, most of the men I have worked with put forth a great deal of effort to convince me that they are in fact victims. Some will vacillate back and forth between excuses ranging from unfortunate circumstances to a feminist agenda bent on destroying families. Regardless of the rationale one truth remains consistent, they are being treated unfairly. The temptation for these men is to deny their own responsibility, usually by highlighting their partner’s problems. Many will insist she needs the class far more than they. Sometimes it may seem like I’m out to get them or that I’m unwilling to listen to their side of the story. The reality is that change will not happen in our own hearts as long as we continue to defend our own pride with lies or half-truths.

Put off Denial

Our pride convinces us that wicked behavior is sometimes necessary to maintain control or that malicious intent is justified when we feel wronged. This attitude may have led you to physically harm your partner or to call her ugly names. Perhaps you’ve thrown things across the room or punched holes in the walls to communicate you’re not pleased with her choices. If any of this is true than you may also find it necessary to hide certain details, bend certain truths to minimize your behavior while emphasizing the ways in which you’ve been wronged. This tendency toward denial is not going to help produce the change you really need. It’s a trap so devastating that it will not only destroy your relationship but will also ensnare your heart. I’m pleading with you to accept responsibility for your actions. Acknowledge the abusive behavior and the impact it has had on your partner.

“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.”  James 4:8-10

Change is a difficult and often times a lengthy process that requires, among other things, taking responsibility. You must acknowledge the truth about yourself and put off the denial. Would you be willing to speak truth to yourself today?

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”  Ephesians 4:25

Final Thought

If I were to ask you about your abusive behavior what would say? Would your story include statements like these?

“I’ve done nothing wrong!”

“She knows how to push my buttons.”

“This is all blown out of proportion.”

Let me encourage you to recount the story again, but this time only focus on your actions. Fight the temptation to justify them, excuse them away or gloss over them. Make a list of the ways in which you harmed your partner. Have you physically harmed her? Have you called her ugly names? Have you damaged her reputation with lies? Telling the truth will not fix everything that seems wrong in your life right now, but it is a far better choice than lying to yourself and others.

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