Chris Moles
The Heart of Domestic Violence
The Heart of Domestic Violence
Chris Moles
When Praying Makes things Worse
When Praying Makes things Worse
Chris Moles
Guest Post: What I Wish Pastors had known when ...
Guest Post: What I Wish Pastors had known when I was Looking for Help
Chris Moles
What Is Domestic Violence IBCD Pre-Conference
What Is Domestic Violence IBCD Pre-Conference

Am I Abusive? 

For men who are only beginning to question or recognize the destructive nature of their relationship with their wife and/or children and are perhaps experiencing uncomfortable and unexpected resistance and/or confrontation from various people in their life, they often ask themselves this question:

“Am I abusive?”

Men regularly contact PeaceWorks with this same question. Their stories are similar as they explain that their spouse or church leaders have expressed concerns, engaged in confrontation, or enacted consequences (such as marital separation or church discipline). Many of these men express surprise or grief because of these concerns, confrontations, and consequences. They are caught off guard by these claims of abuse. Now, some of these men, unfortunately, are unwilling to honestly address these claims and are only looking for information from PeaceWorks that would enable them to further engage in unhelpful minimization, denial, and blame responses. Other men though may genuinely want to understand what it is they are being accused of and how they might experience transformation. If you are a man in this second group, we’d like to share a few resources that will assist you in humbly and honestly assessing the reality of your relationship dynamics and the way in which these dynamics impact those around you, primarily your spouse and children.

Prayer
Prayer is always the first and primary work. If others are calling your attention to aspects of your beliefs and/or behaviors that you are currently unwilling or unable to see, you will need more than information. You need eyes to see. Take a cue from King David, who, when confronted the realities of his sin, cried out to the Lord, not with defensiveness or attempts to conceal and excuse, but rather with an earnest desire for his sin to be revealed and dealt with righteously (2 Samuel 11-12, Psalm 51).


Self-Reflection
Grab a piece of paper and work through the following preliminary questions. Ideally, you will not be doing this self-reflection in isolation, but alongside someone who knows you well enough to provide honest and knowledgeable feedback on your answers.

  • Are people already confronting you? If so, are you truly listening to their concerns? What are they pointing to as evidence of your abuse?

  • How are you experienced by the people around you? Do your friends and family members have freedom to disagree with, contradict, or confront you without fear of negative repercussions or are they afraid of, intimidated by, or “walking on eggshells” around you?

  • How do you tend to feel in situations that are outside your control? How do you tend to respond when you don’t get what you want in life?


Assessments
Here are two assessments for you to work through. Again, ideally you will complete these assessments alongside someone who knows you well enough to provide honest and knowledgeable feedback on your answers.

 

PeaceWorks Blog

On our Blog, we have some posts (with corresponding worksheets) written directly to abusive men. These will be helpful as you evaluate how you have responded so far to the concerns being communicated to you.


The PeaceWorks Podcast
On The PeaceWorks Podcast Chris addresses a variety of domestic abuse related topics. We recommend that men seeking to understand abuse and the necessary change process begin by listening to the following episodes:


Shepherding Teams
Though it’s already been said, we cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you not assess or evaluate yourself in isolation but instead intentionally surround yourself with and submit yourself to the insight and wisdom of others. We recommend building a team of people helpers (counselors, advocates, pastors, church leaders, law enforcement, etc.) who can speak honestly into your life, clarify and represent your spouse’s concerns, and provide any necessary accountability.

Men of Peace Self-Paced Course

The Men of Peace Self-Paced Course is the compilation of all of Chris Moles’ past Men of Peace coaching content plus brand-new material. This course will walk men through the three-fold Men of Peace process of Information, Transformation, and Reformation, educating and guiding men who are ready to take ownership of their abusive behaviors and surrender themselves fully to the Lord in true and lasting repentance. Please be aware this course DOES NOT include a direct coaching component with Chris Moles. Instead, the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course is designed to be used within the context of an already established biblical counseling or coaching relationship, with the abusive man enlisting the discipleship and accountability support of a local counselor, pastor, or mentor. Once purchased, each course participant will have permanent access to all course materials. 

To learn more about the course, please visit the Men of Peace website. There you'll find detailed information for you, your spouse, and your shepherding team members. The Men of Peace Self-Paced Course includes the following components. 

  • Ten Education Modules
    Each Module is made up of five (5-15 minute) sessions (each session available in both video and MP3 form) which will teach the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course content (50 videos/audio files total).

  • One (150+ Page) Reflection & Application Workbook
    Alongside each Education Module, participants will use the corresponding PDF Reflection and Application Workbook (can be completed digitally or printed as a hard copy) to guide their personal reflection upon and application of the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course content.

  • Ten Comprehension Quizzes
    After completing each Education Module (see above) participants will complete a Comprehension Quiz to assess their general comprehension of the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course content.

  • Shepherding Team Support Packet
    Within the Men of Peace Self-Paced Course, participants will be given directions on how they can establish their own Shepherding Team as well as resources to share with their Shepherding Team members in order to familiarize them with the course content.

 

At the end of the day, whether you are currently convinced that your behaviors are abusive or not, if you are being confronted by people who care for you, it is because your behaviors are affecting them in a way that is definitely significant and very likely destructive. While we know it is difficult and uncomfortable to hear such concerns, we pray you will take them seriously and give them the time and consideration they deserve, for the sake of your own soul and the well-being of the people who care for you most.

Thoughts on Womanhood and Motherhood by Rev. Robert Owens

This week's post is by Rev. Robert Owens. Pastor Bob's work was the first I encountered from a pastoral perspective when I began working in domestic violence prevention and intervention. His faithful voice in the work to end violence against women has been an encouragement to me for many years now.  The community of Christian advocates are saddened by his recent passing (June 21st 2020) but eternally grateful for his example.  Thank you Pastor Bob. This post first appeared on his blog at pastorbobblog.com

I wanted to write a tribute to mothers, but when I sat down at the computer I felt led to enlarge the subject, for since recorded history men have been using and abusing women, degrading and dehumanizing the female. Patriarchal religions are no exception, except men do it in the name of God, in the belief that they have the right to subjugate, dominate, and humiliate women, if necessary, in order to keep them in their place. How sad it is that many men who bear the name of Christ believe the Bible gives them the right to assert their authority in a manner that requires the use of force to let their wife or girlfriend know who is “boss.”  For after all, they contend, the New Testament tells us that God has put man in authority “over” women, especially in marriage, where the husband is supposed to be the spiritual leader, the “head” of the wife, the one who gives the orders, the one who has the last word, the one who makes the major decisions, the one who handles the finances. This is the interpretation of scripture that has always been most appealing to abusers, but most appalling to those who are among the advocates for victims.

Furthermore, many men do not consider themselves abusers because they do not beat their wives, but abuse takes many forms: verbal abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, etc. However, physical abuse is the kind of abuse most people think of when they hear the term “domestic violence” and, believe it or not, this kind of abuse is common in Christian homes—there are victims in every congregation, though many pastors refuse to believe it. This is THE SIN MOST PASTORS DENY. They simply do not want to believe there are any victims of domestic violence, let alone abusers, in their churches.

I attended a “Family Life Conference” a number of years ago in Texas, where this patriarchal view was evident from the beginning, a military design for marriage and family life that had been widely promoted in such family life seminars across the country (i.e., with ranks in the family, an “over and under” design for marriage). That seemed so strange to me, for I knew Jesus had said, “It shall not be so among you,” referring to those who “lorded it over one another.” Furthermore, the kind of leadership Jesus modeled, and told His followers to exemplify, was servant leadership, just the opposite of “positional leadership.”  However, at this particular conference where that kind of leadership was being proclaimed as “God’s design for marriage and family life,” a well known pastor of a very large church in a major southern city had just completed his message on “submission” and “headship” when, during the talk-back session, a woman in the congregation stood up and asked, “What should a wife do if her husband is an abuser, guilty of beating his wife?” That pastor responded, “Go back and take another beating! Perhaps your submissive and gentle spirit will bring about the changes you desire in your husband’s behavior.” That was a wake-up call for me!

We are supposed to be the followers of One who said, “He who is greatest among you shall be the servant.”  We are supposed to be the followers of One who “made Himself of no reputation,” but humbled Himself, even to the point of washing His disciples’ feet. Jesus never used His power and authority for Himself, to lord over others, even though He is Lord! It is impossible for me to understand how any Christian man who is in a leadership position in his home, in his marriage, in his family, in his church, could ever use and abuse scripture to justify his abuse of his power and authority as a leader in Christ’s Church. However, I know from my own personal experience, as a pastor and advocate for victims of abuse for many years, that there are many men in the Body of Christ who do so, including pastors, elders, deacons, counselors, attorneys, physicians, psychologists, counselors, and in almost any other profession you can name.

Let me explode a common myth right now, that the problem of abuse, the crisis of domestic violence, is something that only happens in poor families, among uneducated and  irreligious people. Furthermore, some people actually believe this problem is much more common in some socio-economic and racial groups than others, especially their own, which is an indication of their own prejudice.  If you do not believe me, I encourage you to consult the experts in this field, as well as other related subjects: sex trafficking, with young girls are used as sex slaves, a worldwide human crisis that is fast becoming a major industry in the United States); and date rape. Whenever and wherever girls and women are degraded, when virtue is demeaned and our God-given sex drive is used in the marketplace to sell products by promoting sex appeal, there will always be moral decay and decline.Consider how the internet is being used (misused) by producers and companies sponsoring popular shows in which human sexuality is often debased, and true love is frequently debunked. Consider much of contemporary literature, both drama and novel, where we find not only premarital sex, extramarital sex and sexual abuse, but also a myriad of other degrading and very destructive forms of human behavior. This should cause us to be greatly disturbed and compel us to speak out and stand up for “…whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing (especially pleasing to God), whatever is commendable…. THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS.” (Philippians 4:8)

Are we not now reaping what we have sown in the breakdown of the home and family? Almost as many divorces as marriages; an alarming increase in the number of suicides among teenagers and young adults; the tragic killings of families in their own homes—too often, children killing parents, parents killing children, or abused women killing an abusive husband or boyfriend in a final desperate act of self-defense. Yes, there is a spiritual law that is just as inexorable as physical laws, and scripture calls it the law of sowing and reaping: “Be not deceived, whatever we sow, that we shall also reap. If you sow to your own flesh, you will reap corruption, but if you sow to the Spirit you will reap eternal life from the Spirit.” (Galatians 5:7-8)

Let us also ponder two scriptures that are difficult to understand, but very important to consider. In Matthew, chapter five, Jesus lets us know that His truth for living a moral life, the Christian ethic, is much more than a set of rules, both positive and negative (i.e. “you shall” and “you shall not”). It is an affair of the heart. He startled His listeners, and still does, with His deeper truth that anger out of control is murderous, and to be lustful (to “look at a woman with lust in your heart”) is to be adulterous. As always, our Lord is going beyond the letter of the law, and going beyond the act to the attitude. He wants us to understand that how we act is the result of how we think, and an indication of how we see people, including those of the opposite sex.

Do you not agree that it would be wonderful if all of us made a more conscious effort to see people through the eyes of Jesus? We can begin this month as we celebrate MOTHER’S DAY once again. Let us men consider how we look at all women, not just our mothers, if we are fortunate enough to still be blessed with their presence. If we are fathers, and are blessed to have daughters, let us consider how we want men to look at them. For those of us who have a loving and faithful wife, let us realize that what the Bible says is true; she is worth much more than precious jewels. Personally, I am amazed at the loving and giving capacity of wives and mothers. They take care of us, they take care of our children, they run our households, they prepare delicious and healthy meals, they keep our houses clean, they do our laundry, they put clean clothes in our closets and drawers, they nurse us when we are sick, they keep track of where everything in the house is located and keep their cool when the rest of us are misplacing our things. I am personally convinced that a good and faithful wife’s love, and the patient and endless love of a devoted mother, is one of the main ways by which God’s love reaches us as husbands and fathers. No wonder the Bible tells us to live considerately with our wives, to love them as Christ loves His Church, and to honor our mothers. THEY DESERVE IT and GOD COMMANDS IT. (Ephesians 5:25-31; I Peter 3:7; Exodus 20:12)

A final word to you Christian men. If you are wondering why your prayers are not being answered, look at the way you are treating your wife (and your children’s mother). Read I Peter 3:7 once again, “…lest your prayers be hindered.”

 

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Rev. Robert Owens (Pastor Bob) is a retired Presbyterian (USA) minister and long time advocate for victims of domestic violence. You can learn more about and from Pastor Bob at pastorbobblog.com

Keeping Church a Safe Place by Brenda Pauken

This week we continue in our PeaceWorks University member submission series. Many in our membership are already actively engaging the topic of domestic abuse through their own writing and we would like to give them the opportunity for additional exposure as well as thoughtful feedback from our readership. Please be aware that the views presented in this series do not represent the views of Chris Moles or PeaceWorks University.

Women in abusive marriages need lots of spiritual support. They need help understanding their situations rightly, wisdom to consider appropriate next steps, encouragement to cling to the Lord’s promises in a time of suffering and uncertainty, and loving friendships to remind them that their lives aren’t all about their destructive marriages. Cleary, the church plays a vital role in the lives of abused women. But consider how the church can lose its place as a safe haven once the marital abuse is disclosed to leadership. Paradoxically, as a plan for intervention and help is put into place, church can become an uncomfortable place unless the leadership takes intentional steps to prevent that from happening. For example, what happens to a woman’s experience of church if her husband is asked to stop attending services with his wife? While this request is directed toward enhancing her sense of safety and comfort at church, it can have unintended negative consequences for her. At some point, the husband’s absence will be noted and inquired about by well-meaning church members. Suddenly, the wife feels awkward and uncomfortable, and has no idea what to say. In the same way, what should her children say when their friends innocently ask where their dad is, and why he doesn’t come to church anymore? Consider also that in most evangelical churches, separation and divorce are — rightfully — not the norm, and many women question their identity in the church if they are no longer living with their husbands. Are they second-class members, viewed skeptically by those who don’t know the details of her home life? While she is likely in the care of one of the pastors who hopefully believes and affirms her, she may question what the others think of her and her story. Remember that abused women have been disrespected, disbelieved and dishonored by the one who knows them best, so these doubts and questions are completely understandable. While we cannot preclude all potential awkwardness, churches can take proactive steps to anticipate and address these common problems. Here are a few suggestions for how churches might help women navigate these issues.  Help her anticipate the questions that will come from caring members, so she won’t feel shocked into stunned silence or be tempted toward gossip, disrespect for her husband, defensiveness or avoidance. Develop with her some stock answers she can provide that are truthful, yet maintain the family’s privacy. One example might be, “We’re spending some time apart while the church helps us work through some marriage issues.” Make sure she understands that she is not obligated to answer every question that is asked.

  • Ask the wife what she is comfortable having the leadership say if a member of the congregation poses questions. While leadership may not wish to say everything she would allow, they should certainly not be saying more.

  • Help her prepare the children for questions. Kids tend not to understand the implications of their revelations, and unwanted stories can travel through a congregation quickly, fueled by little tongues. Older children will experience the same awkwardness and temptations as their mother, but advance discussions and prepared responses can give them confidence to communicate well.

  • Remind her that not all communication can be perfectly controlled; unwanted information might make its way into the congregation. However, we can prayerfully entrust these things to the Lord, asking him to superintend, protect and comfort. Her identity is rooted in Christ, and nothing said by anyone can shake her true standing.

  • While the wife will likely have one or two points of contact with the leadership, other elders and ministry leaders should make a point of expressing their care, concern and prayerful support. Don’t leave the wife guessing about what the rest of leadership thinks; be explicit about your belief, affirmation and care.

  • Make a point of having elders and ministry leaders sit with the family each week. This provides her a public form of spiritual cover which can head off unhelpful speculation about her status and actions.

  • Provide practical and financial help as the church is able so the family understands the church’s commitment to their well-being.

  • Encourage the family’s participation in the life of the church to push against any temptation to view themselves as “less than.” Of course, we must keep in mind that in most cases, the husband will be a part of the church family as well. Since the goal is always repentance and restoration of the marriage, we cannot allow him to become a pariah whose reputation is forever tainted in the church. The church’s care for the husband can be no less than that provided to the wife, although it may look different. Here are some ways that we can care well for husbands:

  • If the church does not have multiple services or alternative sites, actively assist the husband in identifying a gospel-preaching church where he can attend temporarily. Connect him with the leadership of that church so that they can minister to him in whatever capacity is appropriate.

  • Help the husband anticipate congregational questions at his new service or church. It is common for friendly church members to inquire about family, which will provide him with the same temptations that his wife will face. He too, should be provided with some stock answers so he can attend church with comfort and confidence.

  • Limit the details that are shared with your congregation. We want to woo the sinful into repentance, not shred their reputations and heap shame on them. Assure the husband that every effort is being taken not to disparage him within his congregation.

  • Make whatever extra efforts are required to maintain your connection, counseling and care especially if the husband is attending elsewhere. The pastors continue to have spiritual responsibility for him while he remains a member. Even elders who are not directly involved can text or email about how they are praying for him and his family since they won’t see him week to week.

    While the path out of an abusive marriage is a difficult one, we can make it just a little bit easier by anticipating and equipping for these common issues, helping to keep the church the haven it’s supposed to be.

Vetting a Biblical Counselor: Questions a Counselee Should Ask Whenever Abuse is Present

Not all counselors (biblical or otherwise) are equally equipped or skilled to recognize and respond to abuse. It's important to proactively and carefully vet potential care providers before entrusting your case to a particular counselor or team of counselors. To aid you in this vetting process, we’ve provided the following list of general, guiding questions. Please note, this is not an exhaustive checklist. Instead, our hope in providing you this list is that it would prepare you to thoughtfully engage in open, upfront dialogue with your potential care providers and that, by doing so, both parties might avoid any assumptions that could cause confusion or harm in the future.  

Victim Care Concerns

Abuse Awareness:

  • Have you received any domestic abuse specific training?

  • Where did you receive your training? Who were the instructors?

  • What resources have most influenced your personal understanding of the dynamics and impacts of abuse?

  • How do you define abuse? 

  • Of the cases you’ve counseled, how many have involved domestic abuse?

Abuse Responses:

  • When counseling abused wives, what are your counseling priorities? What do you believe to be the most significant challenges for abused wives?

  • What are your thoughts on separation and/or divorce if an abusive husband does not show lasting fruit of repentance? How do you determine if/when separation and/or divorce are biblically allowable and/or necessary?

  • What domestic abuse related resources, authors, books do you utilize when counseling a victim?

  • In what ways do you cooperate with community resources (local advocates, domestic violence shelters, law enforcement, etc.)?

Perpetrator Response Concerns

Abuse Awareness:

  • Have you received any domestic abuse specific training?

  • Where did you receive your training? Who were the instructors?

  • What resources have most influenced your personal understanding of the dynamics and impacts of abuse?

  • How do you define abuse? 

  • Of the cases you’ve counseled, how many have involved domestic abuse?

Abuse Responses:

  • When counseling abusive husbands, what are your counseling priorities? What do you believe to be the most significant challenges for abusive husbands?

  • What are your thoughts on separation and/or divorce if an abusive husband does not show lasting fruit of repentance? How do you determine if/when separation and/or divorce are biblically allowable and/or necessary?

  • What domestic abuse related resources, authors, books do you utilize when counseling a perpetrator?

  • In what ways do you cooperate with local resources (Batterer Intervention and Prevention Programs [BIPPs], law enforcement, etc.)?

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