How Giving Impacts Dignity of God’s Children By Megan Cox

Today’s post is by Megan Cox, Founder and executive director of Give Her Wings. We are so thankful for Megan’s willingness to share her story with us and pray that God will use her words and ministry to bless you.

When I came home to our small home with the children, it was the middle of the Little-House On-The-Prairie-icy-cold winter of Nebraska. I had just picked up my two littles from afterschool care and my two tinies from after-preschool care. The wind was cutting as I watched through watery eyes . . . my children tottering in their snowsuits up the patio to the front door. On the steps was a black garbage bag. I lugged a handful of school backpacks in, made sure all of the kids were safely inside and looked around. Back then, I felt afraid all of the time. Deep, irrational fear that one of the kids would wander off or be taken. It is hard to be afraid all the time and be the only parent-eyes on four little ones. I looked up and down the street, wondering who had left the pile on our doorstep. I examined the bag and finally, I dragged it in and closed and locked the door. The kids gathered round as I opened it and began pulling out used clothes. Faded clothes. Ripped clothes. Jeans with holes. Worn out shoes (not our sizes). And I wept. I was thankful to whomever thought of us. At the same time, this would mean (yet another) trip to Goodwill for me because most of the things given us were not the right sizes and they would not hold up. I did not want my children looking poor, even though we were poor and I felt poor. I was already having to stand up for them at the elementary school because of a rough PE teacher who knew they were fatherless. I tried to keep their hair looking nice. I kept them clean and fed. I wanted others to know that these were loved children, even though we had almost nothing. This gift was not a blessing to me, somehow, even though I knew that the motivation was well-intentioned.

One of our mamas tells a story about how, years ago, her son needed clothes. When we asked how we could serve her, that was what she told us. We would pay her bills but we were also determined that her boy would be dressed in what he needed and in the perfect size. When she received her package, she was deeply touched. She said to me:

When GHW asked what my kids needed, I had said it was something nice to wear for church like khakis and a collared shirt . . . We usually wore hand me downs from friends. When I opened the package and saw new beautiful dress pants and a new shirt for church, I cried. Because it took strangers, who never even met us, to say we were worth more than the man who is their husband/father had treated us. I never thought I would receive a NEW pair of pants for him. I thought you all would send me something used. It had been so long since we received something new.

This amazing woman is now serving abuse victims but she has never forgotten that God loves to give His children good gifts.

At Give Her Wings, we have two statements: a mission statement and a giving statement. Our giving statement is thus:

Give Her Wings gives with dignity, generously and elegantly, showing each mama that she is worth the extra added effort and nice touches. When we give, we stress the honor we have that we have this opportunity to serve one of God’s princesses.

We focus on how we give for several reasons:

1. Our mamas have dignity, created in the image of God and beloved by Him. They are His daughters. We recognize that we are serving the daughters of a King and we care, very much, about how we give to daughters of kings.

2. Receiving a gift or a card reminds them of who they are. Our mamas have been told they are nothing by many for years (sometimes decades). Being reminded of their identity in Christ is a gift, in and of itself.

One of our first mamas recounts how she received a card from my husband, five years ago:

“When I got home, there was an envelope waiting for me in the mailbox that wasn’t a bill. I dreaded checking the mail, every day, because it was all bills I couldn’t afford to pay. Or debt collectors. Seeing a hand-written card sparked a little bit of joy, in my heart, and took away my dread. But, what really drove me into tears was reading, ‘For ________, beautiful child of God.’ I had forgotten who I was. For 27 years, I had not heard anything positive spoken about me.”

Twenty-seven years. Nothing but name-calling and ugliness and blame for twenty-seven years.

Since that day, we have addressed all of our mamas that way — reminding them that they are beloved, beautiful children of God. Adored by Him. Loved by Him. Redeemed by Him. I could not begin to describe how powerful this is. If all we did was embark on a ministry of reminding these amazing women of God’s love for them, that would be profoundly life-changing, standing alone. I know this. But, we do more. We give to them. We are a mercy ministry who helps pay their bills so they will be completely free from abuse and able to discover, on their own and with God, their worth in Christ.

We have the opportunity to help our mamas get on their feet financially, but we are also able to remind them of their preciousness, and nothing brings us more joy. If only they knew how we see them. If only they could grasp how honored we all feel to serve them — from the board to the staff to the ministry team. If only they could see themselves as God does . . . it is part of our mission. We consider that our mission — to remind them of their redemption. And, by doing so, to reveal the arms of Christ, just waiting for His daughter to run to them.

“I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels.” Isaiah 61:10 NLT

Love,

Megan

Megan Cox is Founder and Executive Director of Give Her Wings, Inc., a non profit that helps single mothers who have left abusive relationships. She is author of Give Her Wings: Help and Healing After Abuse and has an MAR in Pastoral Counseling. She is certified in crisis response with the AACC.

Learn more about Give Her wings at giveherwings.com

When My Isolation Bubble Popped and I Watched It Happen — By Megan Cox

Today’s post is by Megan Cox, Founder and executive director of Give Her Wings. We are so thankful for Megan’s willingness to share her story with us and pray that God will use her words and ministry to bless you.

Since undergoing EMDR therapy (highly recommended for those who have experienced trauma), I would say that my triggers are about 75% relieved. This percentage was, most definitely, put to the test when I went to visit my two closest friends in the city where I had been abused. This city is my old stomping ground. It was there where I was more secluded than any time, in my life. It was there where I had all four of my babies, home schooled and had very little outside influence welcomed into my home, besides our church, because there is so much “evil in the world”. It was there where I learned that women were (basically) created to please men, have babies and have a “quiet and gentle spirit”. It was there where I lived in the isolated bubble of a miserable existence. . . . where I used to cry, literally cry in the closet, believing that I was worthless . . . where I used to yell out to God with tear-soaked questions like, “Is this all I was created for? To be used? Do you even like women, God??”

And even though my theology was not working, at the time, (and for so long), I still managed to believe that I had a corner on God and that I was living amongst the people who had it right.

We were arrogant. We knew things. We knew and no one else did. And part of what we knew was that it is OK for a woman to be abused in every way, and the church would practically endorse that.

You can imagine how I felt being all over the places where I had had been so crushed.

But, it wasn’t the place that crushed me. It wasn’t the doctrine (skewed though some of it is — let’s be honest — we are all NEVER ALL OF THE TIME RIGHT ABOUT DOCTRINE). It was the bubble in which I lived.

And, when you are being abused or neglected at home, I think you kind of believe that it is normal and that other people think you should be abused and neglected, as well. And we cannot look people in the eye. But, this is one of the greatest lies in the world of abuse — the lie that says, “I must deserve it. And he says everyone else thinks I deserve it. So, I cannot get close to anyone. Not really. It will only reinforce what I deserve. And I cannot manage that right now.”

We walked into a church in that city and that same, old sickening feeling came over me . . . the mild nausea associated with my old life. I started sweating. The preacher was a young man I had never seen. He was too young to know stuff. It goes without saying that I had a slightly bad attitude. I wondered, “Would this church have responded to me the same way my church did when I took my children and fled an abusive man? Would they insist that I stay in the marriage? Would they have made me feel smaller, telling me that God wanted me to be abused for the rest of my life?” But, I love my friends and this church is important to them so, there I was.

The young man preaching, decked out in super-cool clothes and an even superercooler beard started talking about Joseph from Genesis. And, all of a sudden, it was all I could do to hold back tears. It was good. It was not oppressive. This young man spoke about being stripped of everything you thought you were . . . a son, a brother, a young man full of hope (a daughter, a sister, a young mother full of hope). He spoke about being stripped of dignity . . . and then being given a new name and being given all of the dignity back and more. He said things like, “The brothers weren’t the ones who sent Joseph away . . . God was. And He did so for a purpose.”

Ya’ll.

How could I have given certain people, in my life, so much power as to think they were responsible for my banishment? Whoa. They didn’t do it. God did this. Why? I don’t know all of the reasons.

But, I DO know that, if I hadn’t left my abusive marriage and if my family of origin did not judge me so harshly and if the church I had been attending hadn’t been so gossipy and hurtful, I would not be here, directing Give Her Wings, which impacts thousands of hurting mothers and provides for so many of them to be able to pay bills and get on their feet. That’s why.

My isolation bubble has popped and I could see outside of my painful situation, more than ever. This may have been a final stage of my healing and I am so grateful for it! So, come on . . . come at me with your bad theology. I’m not crippled by it, anymore. I am here to tell you that there is a better way, a freer way, the way in which Jesus said He wanted to pave to show us how to love and forgive our sins and make us these awesome, funky, original creations that He just adores. I won’t shy away. I hear stuff and it hurts my heart . . . but it no longer affects me. And that is huge.

I may never “fit in” to that culture again, but that is OK. Jesus didn’t fit in, either. Maybe someday I will, who knows? But, for now, God has me right where He wants me.

I was recently asked what to do when one finds oneself isolated — stuck in that weird place between being a Christian but no longer looking like the culture might and feeling unaccepted. This is what I told her: You are in good company. Jesus started out in the temple, where everyone marveled over Him. By the end, those same temple leaders were plotting His death. He looked for people on the fringes . . . the marginalized and outcasts. He fully believed in God -- He fully WAS God. But, His own did not accept Him. My greatest advice to you is only that -- advice -- because I am sure there are wiser, more capable people out there who know better than I. But, I can tell you what I did. I started following Jesus. I mean, actually following Him. Doing what He did -- reaching out to those "kicked out of the temple", marginalized, outcasts. And thus . . . Give Her Wings. I believe, after reading all you have faced and all you have been through that you could possibly serve in the same ways. If it were me, I would start praying about where God would have you serve . . . maybe it is a blog; maybe a book; maybe a ministry; maybe writing; maybe serving; maybe a different education. Maybe victim advocacy. I don't know. Only you and God know. But, from your letter, I see a woman who is just waiting to start a firestorm (in all the right ways), right where she is, creating her own community for those who are just like her. It sounds as though your bubble is popping on its own. Again -- a severe mercy. It might be time for you to expand your horizons -- give yourself some more space to explore. Maybe a different denomination of Christianity! Maybe a support group. Maybe you START one -- or a book club. One thing I DO know -- you don't have to have a lot to help a lot of people. And in helping, you can also heal. I hope this helps. I wish I had better answers for you, precious child of God. Just know that God has brought you this far -- He is still working in every moment of your life. And I care. You are beautiful and brave.

Much Love, Megan

Megan Cox is Founder and Executive Director of Give Her Wings, Inc., a non profit that helps single mothers who have left abusive relationships. She is author of Give Her Wings: Help and Healing After Abuse and has an MAR in Pastoral Counseling. She is certified in crisis response with the AACC.

Learn more about Give Her wings at giveherwings.com

What I Wish My Pastor Had Known When I Was Looking For Help.

What I wish Pastors had known when I was looking for help.

1. What domestic violence IS – “A pattern of coercive, controlling behavior, exercised by one intimate partner over the other”; a belief in the right to absolute power and control; not just physical abuse, hitting, etc. Anyone can be a victim. Usually women are the victims, but men can be victims, too.

2. What domestic violence IS NOT – not a “marriage problem” or “communication problem”, it’s not caused by anger, stress, alcohol/drugs or sickness (mental illness)

3. How to screen/assess for DV signs – in pre-marital counseling, marriage counseling, family counseling, all interactions with couples. Possible signs: He won’t let her talk in counseling; he tries to control where she goes and what she does, he always wants to be with her; she may cancel counseling appointments if he can’t come too; He may “bash”/badmouth her to you, try to convince you she is the one with the problems, he may threaten to take the children from her; she may have bruises or unexplained injuries; she may seem depressed; she may use drugs or alcohol to cope.

4. To assume that victims are telling the truth - because usually they don’t talk, and when they do, they minimize (not exaggerate). There is usually no value in lying, because she is usually blamed when she does tell the truth; Even if she is the one that’s been arrested, don’t assume she’s not the victim!

5. To NAME the abuse - to call it what it is, educate her and not minimize.

6. To maintain her confidentiality - to not confront or involve the abuser without her        clear permission or without warning her

7. To maintain safety as the highest priority – to make sure she has a safety plan in place and knows about all of the local resources for abuse victims; to put her in touch with other victims and survivors who can provide support; to encourage the use of safe shelters vs. family homes if the danger is escalating.

8. To avoid marriage counseling if abuse is occurring – marriage counseling assumes equality & safety; it assumes that this is a mutual “relationship problem” which can be fixed by both persons working on it, rather than one person’s abuse/violence problem; victims may be beaten for telling the truth; marriage counseling may keep the couple stuck in the tension–building phase of the “cycle of violence” for longer, but will not prevent the next (worse) episode. 

9. To not assume that because there has been no overt physical violence yet, that it is not likely – the worse abuse & most murders occur at or after a separation. 

10. To validate her feelings, respect her wishes & support her decisions – even if you don’t agree with her; she will come back to you later for help if you are non-blaming.

Julie Owens is a survivor of domestic violence who has worked in the field of violence against women and women's empowerment since 1989. She has founded a hospital DV crisis response team, a transitional shelter, advocacy groups and training programs. She has worked with trauma survivors and addicted survivors, and was a research co-investigator, project director and trauma therapist on studies at the National Center for PTSD. Learn more about Julie at www.domesticviolenceexpert.org

Early on Sunday Morning

Today I'm sharing a past experience as it appears in my book, "The Heart of Domestic Abuse."

Early one Sunday morning I arrived at our newly formed church plant’s location to find an acquaintance of ours obviously troubled and waiting nervously at the door for someone, perhaps anyone, to arrive. Once inside she collapsed in my arms sobbing and speaking incoherently. After some time I was able to calm her down and she told me her story. After several months of heated encounters with her husband, the morning had erupted into violence. She described an altercation that included yelling, screaming, pushing, shoving, and threats ending with a shotgun in her face. I was shocked by what I was hearing, and even more shocked now as I recount my advice to her and the attitude under which I was operating at the time. Most disturbing was what my heart attitude revealed:  “I can’t deal with this right now,” I thought to myself, “I’m just not qualified to handle this. I’m trying to plant a church and this is not the kind of trouble we need.” To my great shame, I told this hurting woman that I had no expertise in this area, which at the time was accurate, and advised her to contact the police. We calmly talked about something or other for the next ten minutes while she composed herself. I made her promise me she would call the authorities and then showed her to the door. After all, I had a church service to perform and a young church plant to grow.

That morning, I preached to a small group of people about the power of the gospel to heal the brokenhearted, but nothing I could say would speak with greater authority or conviction than the hypocrisy I had just committed hours before.  As I spoke of being the hands and feet of Jesus to our community, a broken, battered person filled out paperwork against the man she loved, alone in a police station. 

I mention this story not to emphasize the ways in which I poorly responded to this woman’s needs, and they are numerous, but rather to illustrate how ill-prepared I was to address the problem. They do not cover this in most Bible colleges. Prior to my education in domestic violence intervention and prevention, I rarely thought of this incident. I believed I handled the situation as well as I could, and it never occurred to me how pervasive this problem really was in our community and churches. Domestic violence and the church has since become a common conversation I have with Christians and pastors across the country, and I find that many of the ways we have viewed and responded to domestic violence fall short.

"Domestic violence is a very complex, destructive reality in many Christian homes. Clergy have not always responded in helpful ways to domestic violence in the past, but this can change. Clergy have tremendous influence for healing and protection. If they educate themselves, have the courage to condemn domestic violence from the pulpit, and develop ministries for abuse victims and even for perpetrators, then the cycle of violence can be broken and the body of Christ can be a place of safety and divine healing."[1]

[1] Steven Tracy, Clergy Responses to Domestic Violence; Priscilla Papers Vol.21,No.2, Spring 2007

Taken from, "The Heart of Domestic Abuse; Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Violence and Control in the Home."