The Trouble with Victims

This week we are sharing a post by our friend and PeaceWorks University Faculty member Joy Forrest. Joy is the author of the book "Called to Peace: A Survivor's Guide to Hope and Peace after Abuse." You can order your copy here CALLED TO PEACE

I lived over twenty-five years my life as a victim. From the time I was 14 until I was nearly 40 I was involved in an abusive relationship, and breaking free was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. During those tumultuous years, I lost nearly everything I owned and barely escaped with my life and my two girls. In the years that followed, I faced great financial loss, angry children, and continued threats on my life. I had nightmares, and found myself freaking out at things that had nothing to do with me. When I heard people around me complain about everyday struggles I wanted to laugh in their faces and say, “Are you kidding me?! That’s nothing!” I wanted the world to know that I had been wronged, and somehow come and make it right.

The odd thing is the more I complained, the less people wanted to listen. They seemed to alienate themselves from me, which made my situation even more miserable. I could have stayed in that pattern forever, but as I cried out to God I began to realize I would never be an overcomer until I dropped my victim mentality. I realized that people did not know how to handle the severity of my losses. I am sure it made them uncomfortable—perhaps even guilty that they had been blessed with an easier life. I realized that I needed to stop making my unfortunate past my identity, and made a decision to pour my complaints out to God rather than people. I chose to believe his promises towards me rather than my feelings. Although that decision did not immediately change my circumstances, it did make all the difference in the world. Today I am a victor rather than a victim, because I decided to believe him.

In the years since I transitioned from victim to victor, I have many opportunities to work with other victims. I have seen some apply themselves to the truths of God’s Word, and basically blossom before my very eyes. In those cases, it has truly been like watching butterflies come out of their cocoons. From all outward appearances their situations have seemed hopeless, but God has performed miracles for those who have learned to trust him. Trust like this involves a decision to believe God rather than emotions and past experience. I have never seen God disappoint those who have chosen to really trust him. The outcome has always been beautiful.

On the other hand, some of the women I have tried to help have refused to let go of that victim mentality. When I direct them to God’s promises, they give me a thousand reasons not to believe them. Their attitude reminds me of the man Jesus healed at the pool in Bethesda in John 5. Even though he stationed himself in the place where the angel stirred the water to be healed, he basically told Jesus it was impossible, because somebody always beat him to the water. He was full of bitterness and excuses. When Jesus healed him in spite of his negativity, he showed no joy, nor did he stop to thank Jesus. Instead, when the religious leaders rebuked him for carrying his pallet, he blamed Jesus. Jesus knew his heart and came to him later with a warning, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you” (5:14).  But he simply went out and reported Jesus to the leaders. Jesus set him free, but he chose to remain bitter.

That’s the problem with so many victims, they fail to see and appreciate God’s provision in their lives. Instead, they choose to remain bitter, and make excuses for hanging on to their anger. They basically cut themselves off from God’s blessings and blame everyone around them (even God) for their negative circumstances. I love to contrast the story of the man at the pool with the healing of the man born blind in John 9. When Jesus healed him his life was changed immediately. He became a believer, and was willing to profess his faith in spite of harsh opposition. As far as outward circumstances go, he probably fared worse than the man healed at the pool. Yet, he was filled with joy over what Jesus had done for him. Like King David (who spent years running for his life) he chose to praise God in the presence of his enemies rather than cling to bitterness.

The truth is that bad things happen in this world. Many of us end up at victims at some point, and it grieves God’s heart. We suffer unjustly and it isn’t fair, but God knows exactly how that feels (Heb. 4:15). Our God is a redeemer, and nothing is wasted when we know him. He can turn our mourning into dancing (Ps. 30:11), and use tribulation to mold us into the image of his son (Rom. 8:29). But in the midst of our troubles we must choose to trust him. We must choose to let go of the bitterness that poisons every relationship in our lives and keeps us in bondage (Heb. 12:15). The problem with victims is they are often not willing to make this choice. Instead, they hold tenaciously to their right to be miserable and angry, and unwittingly finish the job their enemies began.

Joy Forrest has been an advocate for victims of domestic violence since 1997. She holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, and held the position of Community Educator for Safe Space Domestic Violence Services in Louisburg, NC from 2000-2001. She has served as a biblical counselor in church settings since 2004. Her own experiences as a former victim of domestic abuse, along with her involvement with Safe Space and church counseling, caused her to see a major need for churches to become better equipped to help families affected by DV. In January 2015, she helped establish Called to Peace Ministries to promote domestic violence awareness, particularly within the faith community. Joy is also a Certified Advocate with the NC Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the author of the book "Called to Peace." Learn more about Joy at www.calledtopeace.org

Gossip

This week we continue in our PeaceWorks University member submission series. Many in our membership are already actively engaging the topic of domestic abuse through their own writing and we would like to give them the opportunity for additional exposure as well as thoughtful feedback from our readership. Please be aware that the views presented in this series do not represent the views of Chris Moles or PeaceWorks University.

This week’s post was submitted by PeaceWorks University member, James Fields:

There's a perception in the church that all discussions about other people are gossip. This perception is based on Scripture repeatedly telling us that gossip is a sinful thing (Leviticus 19:16, 2 Corinthians 12:20, James 4:11, 1 Timothy 5:13). Sometimes, we as leaders, pastors, and counselors take the admonishments too far. Victims begin to think that they can’t share pain with anyone, for fear of being in sin. This should not be. There are plenty of good reasons for us to share the hurts we feel with those around us. Scripture points out the need for it when it asks us to take a friend with us to confront someone (Matthew 18:15-20). It points to it when it tells us that there is benefit in wise counsel (Proverbs 11:14, 12:15). The Word shows us the need for it when it tells us to carry each other's burdens (Galatians 6:2).

These verses need to be meditated on so that our definition of gossip paints a full and accurate picture. We need to have a great understanding of this so that when we teach on it in counseling sessions, with hurting friends, or from the pulpit we don’t arm domestic abusers with a tool to suppress their spouses and give victims a fear of speaking out when they need help most.

Given the tension in these verses, how do we know what is gossip and what is an acceptable and wise way to be honest with those around us?

Gossip seeks to slander and tear down (Proverbs 10:18, Ephesians 4:29, and James 4:11).

Gossip seeks to shoot the breeze (Proverbs 10:19 & 1 Timothy 5:13).

Gossip seeks to mettle (Exodus 23:1 & Proverbs 26:20-22)

Gossip seeks to satisfy self (Proverbs 11:13 & Romans 1:29-32).

What should we counsel godly couples to do when it comes to tension at home? These steps are an attempt at a more balanced approach to teaching gossip without making the abused feel like a sinner for coming forward with their marital or family abuse stories. By teaching about gossip in this way, we are actively taking away the tool of “gossip” as a spiritual oppression weapon.

Take Time and Pray

Seek your own heart and try to uncover your motives. How did you contribute to the incident? In most conflicts in life, this step alone gives us all we need to go back to our spouse and resolve the conflict as we genuinely apologize for how we sinned toward them. In the times where we didn't contribute to the incident or we can't think of a way in which we sinned, we'll likely need further counsel. Either to help us find the best, most God glorifying way to call out our spouse's sin or to further reveal our own hearts. (As Jeremiah 17:9 points out, our hearts are deceitfully wicked and impossible to understand.)

How Churches Can Help Fight Abuse

This week we continue in our PeaceWorks University member submission series. Many in our membership are already actively engaging the topic of domestic abuse through their own writing and we would like to give them the opportunity for additional exposure as well as thoughtful feedback from our readership. Please be aware that the views presented in this series do not represent the views of Chris Moles or PeaceWorks University.

Sexual harassment and assault have been headline news a lot lately. As tragic as these episodes are to read about, it’s even more tragic to realize that mistreatment, oppression and abuse are also found in our churches. However, the church is also well-positioned to prevent, identify and intervene in unhealthy relationships. What are some practical steps that churches can take to help fight abuse in the church and among its members?

Prevention

Obviously, the most helpful approach is to prevent sinful behavior rather than deal with it after it happens. Churches should take seriously their responsibility to screen and train pastors, staff members, and those who volunteer with at-risk populations, such as children, the elderly, and the disabled. This should include everything from background checks for all church workers and volunteers, development of policies to protect the vulnerable, and ongoing training and oversight to ensure compliance. Resources such as On Guard by Deepak Reju can help church leaders think through practical steps to make their churches resistant to those who would harm children and other vulnerable people.

Prevention of abuse among church members is more indirect, but no less important. This would involve clear teaching from the pulpit about servant leadership, the proper use of authority and clear denunciations of misusing one’s role. One of the best observations I’ve heard in a sermon is, “If you’re enjoying the perks of leadership, you’re doing in wrong.” The value and worth of all people, regardless of nationality, gender, age or gifting must be emphasized. Naturally, such teaching must be accompanied by wise and humble exercise of pastoral authority.

Church membership is an important factor in helping a church know its people more intimately, and gives it authority to act when troubling situations arise. Cultivating a grace-filled ethos that encourages transparency, being known, and mutual confession of sin can also make it harder to hide all types of sin.

Identification

Since preventive steps are not foolproof, churches must also take steps to identify problematic situations as quickly as possible. It can be helpful to have booklets on abuse and information on women’s shelters and services in the ladies’ restroom, where resources can be more discreetly obtained. Such resources should be accompanied by a clear message to seek help if they have any concerns about their relationship. Women who have been told that they just need to forgive and submit need to hear that the most loving thing they can do is to interrupt the oppressive cycle in their relationships.

Training for pastors, staff and other church leaders helps identify oppressive relationships by equipping them to recognize problematic patterns of behavior. While formal training is ideal — such as CCEF’s course on abusive relationships — this will not be possible for everyone. However, there are also a number of other books and resources that provide guidance on the nature of abusive relationships, such as Justin and Lindsey Holcomb’s Is It My Fault?, Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and GRACE (www.netgrace.org). These resources open the category of mistreatment beyond physical or sexual abuse to include verbal/emotional abuse, financial control and intimidation.

Intervention

Once an abusive relationship has been identified, the church needs to determine how it can help address the situation. Ideally, churches would have pastors and/or staff who are qualified to work with both parties to untangle complicated and confusing situations and address the complexities of abusive behaviors and relationships. Since this clearly won’t be possible in all cases, church leaders should not hesitate to seek outside help when needed and connect those involved in the troubled relationship with law enforcement, women’s shelters, legal or financial planning services, or addiction or mental health treatment, as appropriate. If you learn about a worrisome situation and are uncertain how to proceed, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233), which is open 24/7 for assistance. Even when care must be sought outside the church, church leaders, at a minimum, should be prepared to walk alongside both parties to address the myriad spiritual needs that exist on both sides of troubled relationships. The gospel speaks to both the oppressor and the oppressed, offering hope, comfort and the possibility of true change and restoration. All of the books mentioned above, as well as Chris Moles’ The Heart of Domestic Abuse, are helpful resources for addressing issues faced by both the abused and the abuser.

When possible, diaconal funds can be of great assistance to help with practical needs, especially if outside care or separation are appropriate. As you consider steps forward in a difficult relationship, remember to be patient with women who are wrestling with decisions about how and when to address their situations. Allowing an oppressed woman to make her own choices helps to reestablish her sense of self and her own agency in the relationship.

While churches will vary greatly in the ways they can address this difficult issue, all churches should seek to be proactive in the fight against abuse in all its forms, remembering the Lord’s heart for the oppressed (Judg 2:18). Although it is difficult work, church leaders can be encouraged and hopeful as they fulfill their call by “patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth” (2 Tim 2:24-25).

Note: While men can also be victims of abuse, this article refers to women and children for the sake of simplicity and because they represent the majority of victims of domestic abuse.

Brenda Pauken

Am I Really Forgiven?

Today's post is by my friend Bev Moore.

Jill thought for a long time about God’s forgiveness. She had spent so many years dealing with feelings of condemnation and guilt.  What she was experiencing now seemed like a dream—something too good to be true. She was nervous that something was going to go wrong, or that maybe God was waiting to heap on the guilt the next time she messed up.

Many of our counselees can identify with Jill.  When they are introduced to the gospel—that they can be forgiven by God’s grace—it’s almost more than they can believe.  But by God’s grace they do believe!  Yet sometimes they feel uneasy but they’re not quite sure why.

One thing that really helped Jill was reading how Jesus demonstrated His love for a woman who desperately needed His forgiveness. It wasn’t hard for Jill to identify with the woman in this story. Jill got to see the love and compassion Jesus freely gave to someone like her.

It’s the beautiful story found in Luke 7:36-50 where Jesus was invited to dinner at the home of a Pharisee named Simon. While there a woman who had lived a sinful life came to the house with an alabaster jar of perfume and she wet Jesus’ feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. She kissed His feet and anointed them with the perfume. Simon was repulsed by what he saw and couldn’t believe Jesus could allow Himself to be touched by this “sinner.”  

Jesus knew what Simon was thinking and told him a story involving a moneylender and two men that owed him money and how the moneylender forgave both debts.  Jesus asked Simon which man he thought would love the moneylender more. Simon knew that the man with the bigger debt canceled would love the moneylender more. Here is how the rest of this scene played out:

“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. Then He turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give Me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give Me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” (Luke 7:43-50)

What a striking contrast between two people—a Pharisee, who placed his faith in his own self-righteousness and goodness, who erroneously believed he had a very small debt he owed to God, and believed he could earn God’s favor by keeping the rules. And a woman who knew she had a huge debt she owed to God and she could never even begin to repay Him, but who put her faith in Jesus. This woman was well aware of her guilt and her need for forgiveness. She knew she had to come to Jesus for the forgiveness she desperately wanted and needed.

For some, believing that God will forgive every sin is difficult to accept as true. Why? Here are several reasons to consider:

• We doubt that God will ever accept us after what we’ve done. We think that our sin is too big or too awful for God to forgive.

• We continually repeat our sin, feeling trapped in a never-ending cycle of defeat and despair.

• We fail to grasp the holiness of God and His hatred of sin so we fail to see our sin as a direct offense against God.

• We attempt to establish our own standard of righteousness and feel defeated and unforgiveable when our performance doesn’t measure up to our satisfaction.

• We fail to grasp the depth of God’s forgiving grace through the sacrifice of His Son’s life.

Jill was grateful for God’s forgiveness, but wrestled with this thought: “I just can’t forgive myself for the things I’ve done.” Very often we feel regret, shame, and condemnation for the things we’ve done that have caused us and others pain and heartache. It feels like we need to forgive ourselves, but it’s a misconception that we have wronged ourselves. Our sin is against God (and possibly others), and it’s His forgiveness that we need. We may feel the need to forgive ourselves so that we can feel better about ourselves, but nowhere in Scripture are we commanded to do this. Forgiveness was purchased for us at the cross because ultimately our sin is against God.

In order to get past the regret we have regarding our sin, we have to keep our heart and mind focused on the cross and what Jesus did for us there. When the devil wants to remind us of battles lost and tries to rub our noses in our failures, we can confidently say to him, “I am worse than you think, but I have a GREAT BIG GOD who is bigger than all my sin. He has washed me and made me whiter than snow through the blood of Jesus Christ!”

But what if I don’t feel forgiven?  Forgiveness is a fact, just like guilt is a fact. I don’t always feel guilt when I am guilty, nor will I always feel forgiven when I confess my sin to God and He forgives me. There may be residual regret and possibly painful consequences that are reminders of our sin. But we have to focus on the truth of God’s Word: if we confess our sin, God is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we base our forgiveness on feelings, what does that say about what Christ has done for us? Could we be saying that not only did He have to die for our sin, but now He has to give us the feelings we desire in order to believe and/or feel we are forgiven? Are we saying that what He has already done was not enough? We can certainly spend a lot of time trying to feel good about ourselves, but that should not be the goal. We are to humbly live by faith in the truth, not faith in our feelings!  

We have to help our counselees focus on God’s Word and pray that the Holy Spirit will renew their minds with the truth so that they can walk in the light and in the precious freedom of God’s forgiveness.

Bev Moore (M.A.B.C.) is on the counseling staff at Faith Church in Lafayette, IN. She is married to George and they have two grown sons. She co-authored In the Aftermath: Past the Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse.