Churches and Domestic Abuse Policy

Some churches have approached me regarding domestic abuse policies and while I do not have a standard response yet, I will be creating a process in the future, I do find it helpful to see what others have done. Below is an example of a first draft proposal created by one local church.

Domestic abuse, or intimate partner abuse, is the desecration of the image of God in the abuser’s spouse or intimate partner through a pattern of intentionally misusing power, overtly or covertly, in words or actions, to gratify self.

• Abuse is an assault upon the image of God in another human being.

• Abuse usually occurs in a pattern that is typically increasing in frequency and/or intensity. 

• Abuse is intentional, though the abuser may not be self-aware enough to recognize the intentions of his or her heart. Abuse is never perpetrated on accident.

• Abuse is about the misuse of power to control or manipulate another for selfish gain. It is an act of oppression.

• Abuse can involve physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, economic, spiritual, or psychological means.

• The goal of abuse is self-gratification – to get what one wants at the expense of another.

Domestic abuse, which can be used interchangeably with the term “domestic violence”, is pervasive in our culture. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced domestic abuse in their lifetime. Domestic abuse is under-reported, so those statistics are conservative. We know statistically that domestic abuse is just as pervasive at ______________ as it is in the culture, and so we must be alerted to it.

Domestic violence in any form – physical, sexual, emotional, psychological or spiritual – is an assault upon the image of God in a fellow human being, and is therefore an assault upon God himself. When it is between a husband and a wife, it further violates the one-flesh covenantal relationship that God established. Under no circumstance is abuse ever justified. Neither is it ever the fault of the victim. Domestic abuse severely damages relationships and often destroys the relationship beyond repair. An act of abuse is never an act of Christian love. Christ's self-giving love encourages the full growth of the individual, while domestic abuse seeks to stifle the victim's autonomy through dominance, replacing love with violence and fear. Given this acknowledgement, ________________ Church affirms the following:

• domestic abuse in all its forms is sinful and incompatible with the Christian faith and a Christian way of living;

• all abuse is spiritually damaging for both the person being abused and the person who is abusing;

• domestic abuse is a serious problem which occurs in church families as well as in wider society;

• domestic abuse is not primarily an anger problem, a marriage problem, the victim’s problem, or even a legal problem, but rather a sin problem;

• domestic abuse is primarily perpetrated by men, against the very people whom God has given these men to protect and shepherd - women and children.

• we will listen to, believe, support, and care for those affected by domestic abuse;

• we will urge abused persons to consider their own safety and that of family members first and to seek help from the church, professional counseling, and legal resources, to bring healing to the individuals and, if possible, to the marriage relationship;

• we will discipline abusers and remove them from the church if they are unrepentant;

• we will work with local domestic violence support agencies, will learn from them and support them in appropriate ways, and will publicize their work;

• we will teach that domestic abuse is a sin;

• we will teach what it means to be male and female image-bearers of God, equal in value, dignity and worth;

• we will train all pastors/elders, ministers/deacons, and lay leaders;

• we will seek to utilize trained professionals to encourage best practices and keep church members and leadership trained on and informed about the implementation of this domestic abuse policy.

Hopeful: My Response to the ACBC Conference

Light in the Darkness, Biblical Counseling and Abuse. This was the theme for the 2018 national conference of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. I must admit that when I heard about the theme I was bit concerned. Biblical counselors have not always had the best reputation when it comes to addressing the problems of abuse. In fact we tend to mirror the church at large which has traditionally misunderstood and mismanaged the issue. My concern was shared by many in the work of intervention and prevention, as well as, many victims and survivors that have reached out to us over the past year anticipating the conference. ACBC announced a record attendance of over 2,000 for this year’s conference I believe highlighting both the interest in the topic and intrigue in our response. So, I thought I’d share a few thoughts on the event and summarize where I think we stand as a movement.

First, allow me to reiterate how much I love Biblical Counseling and how desperate I have been to see this wonderful movement and the people who call it home become better equipped and competent when speaking and counseling on abuse. These are my people, this is my tribe, and I dearly love them. I want to share with you three highlights that encouraged me this week.

Highlights

1. Dr. Heath Lambert gave the opening plenary session entitled, “What every victim needs to know.” Dr. Lambert skillfully walked us through the story of Joseph highlighting all the ways in which he was abused by those more powerful than he such as his brothers, potipher’s wife, and the Egyptian prison system. Dr. Lambert drew very clear lines from Scripture, and possibly from his own experience as a survivor to free Joseph and therefore any other victim of the responsibility for the abuse. Clearly, precisely, and often Dr. Lambert reminded us that abuse is not the responsibility of the victim, but solely the sin of the perpetrator. He then offered words of hope to those who suffer abuse knowing that even when sinned against “what others meant for evil, God can use for good” by declaring…

   “By the grace of Jesus, wonderful things can come from the horror of your abuse.

   There are some things that God teaches his children in the school of affliction that he will not teach them anywhere else.

   God uses the horror of your abuse to increase your ministry faithfulness. Ministers are forged in the fires of affliction.”

2. Survivor Story: One of the things I have found lacking in most, not all, Christian responses to abuse are survivor stories. Most events feature keynote speakers who will define terms, unpack cases, or walk the audience through a related passage of Scripture, all of which are good but lack the power of story. ACBC correctly asked my friend Pam Gannon to share her story and the hope she found in the gospel. Pam delivered a near perfect blend of personal narrative and Scriptural insight to clearly show the devastation of abuse and the greater hope of redemption. This was for me the key event of the conference and well worth the time and investment if this plenary is offered. And, to my knowledge received the first standing ovation ever at an ACBC conference.

   “Just as God can grow a pure white daisy from the charred remains, so can he grow a soul from the charred remains of abuse.”

3. Dr. Dale Johnson is the new executive director of ACBC. He was installed Tuesday afternoon and had the pleasure of offering the last plenary of the conference, “Counseling the abuser.” I’ll admit that when I heard that someone else would be delivering this talk I was a bit taken aback, didn’t they realize this was my wheelhouse? Honestly I had never met Dr. Johnson, and this topic can offer so much hope or can really rob people of hope. I sat nervous as the session began but was soon over taken with emotion. I can honestly say I’ve never heard the content delivered better. I was struck by Dr. Johnson’s high view of accountability and responsibility, his call to Biblical repentance, and insistence that we (Biblical Counselors) take the lead and cultivate safety in our churches. Two-thirds of the way through his presentation I sunk into a sense of relief and following the closing prayer I rushed the stage to thank him.

   “An abuser is someone who demands his wants rather than submits to his responsibilities at the expense of someone else’s dignity.”

   It’s inappropriate to declare Biblical counselors in general safe for victims of abuse, but after this week I do feel confident saying there is much reason to hope. I know there are no perfect interventions or counselors, and that we have a long way to go. But, if what I saw this week is any indication of where the Biblical counseling movement is headed, then I AM HOPEFUL.

Pastor Chris and Dr. Johnson following the last plenary session.

Helping the Church Respond

This week I have the privilege of presenting at the national conference for the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors in Ft. Worth, Texas. Last year ACBC announced that their annual conference would focus on the issue of abuse and since then I have personally been contacted by many victims, survivors, and advocates who are excited and concerned about this decision. Biblical counseling has not had the best reputation for addressing domestic abuse in particular and while a focused conference is welcomed many are curious as to what will be said. While I cannot speak for all presenters I am excited to be presenting at this conference and believe Biblical counselors are uniquely positioned to lead in the area of intervention and prevention. It will require humility, faithfulness, and a teachable spirit but I’m confident that we can be known as confident and competent people helpers in this area.

My talk is entitled “Domestic Violence in the Christian Home; Helping the Church respond Con’t” This will serve as a follow up presentation to the plenary address I gave at the Faith Biblical Counseling Training Conference in February. I’ve include a copy of that presentation for you below.

Please pray for all the presenters week, as well as all the victims, survivors, and offenders who may be attending, as well as the Biblical Counseling movement.

Peace, -Chris

Abuse: Domestic Violence and a Call to Repentance

This post recently appeared on the Biblical Counseling Coalition’s Blog.

One of the reasons I believe biblical counseling can be an effective response to domestic abuse is our emphasis on the biblical principle of putting off and putting on. If a man who has made abusive choices claims to be a believer, then it is required of us within the church to call him to repentance by holding him accountable to completely abandon the wickedness of abuse and embrace a new and better way. Simply put, when we are striving to promote change, we must not only call the counselee to cease the destructive behavior, but also to replace it with God-honoring behavior. The end result of this confrontation should produce either evidence (fruit) of repentance or confirm his unbelief and the need for continued consequences.

Let’s say we have a man who consistently yells at his wife, and as we question him we uncover additional practices of intimidation, such as body language, pounding his fist on the table, and threatening gestures such as clenching his fist. We establish that he wants his wife to conform (give in) so badly that he is willing to scare her to do it. His pride has led him to value getting his way over treating his wife properly. Certainly, we want him to put off the intimidating behavior, but what can we ask him to put on for the glory of God? What are we looking for that will evidence the new patterns of repentance? We realize the need to confront him with passages such as Ephesians 5:25-33 to address his lack of Christ-like love, and Colossians 3:19 in dealing with the harsh treatment of his wife. Instead of causing his wife fear in order to control her, we call the intimidating man to love his wife in such a way that she is not only no longer fearful, but safe, sane, and secure.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).

Passages of Scripture such as this remind us that love opposes fear and instead seeks the well-being of the other and does so with patience and kindness, not intimidation and fear. As such, we should expect the man who once intimidated to now be intentional in regards to expressing love and safety.

Note: this takes time.

I’m not suggesting that a single blog post, counseling session, or confrontation will suddenly produce Christ-like love. Moving from intimidation to Christ-like love will require hard work, consistent long-term accountability, and concrete goals designed to measure movement.

More specifically, we can highlight an abusive man’s behavior, contrast that with Scripture, and through the process craft and call him to biblical alternatives. While there are a multiplicity of passages we could reference, here are a few examples from my book, The Heart of Domestic Abuse.

From Violence to Gentleness

We can encourage men who have used violence to participate in a variety of God-honoring alternatives, but one area we can highlight is gentleness. I have encountered many men who cringe at the thought of engaging in gentle responses to challenging circumstances, and yet that encouragement is offered consistently in Scripture as an alternative to violence.

• As a matter of following Jesus: “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matt. 11:29).

• As a result of the Spirit’s work: “But the fruit of the Spirit is…  gentleness” (Gal. 5:22-23).

• As a requirement for leadership: “…not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money” (1Tim. 3:30); “…to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone” (Titus 3:3).

From Ridicule to Encouragement

Words are powerful and the venom of verbal abuse seeps into the spirit of its victim. This behavior is not consistent with the person of Christ or the people He has called us to be. Scripture admonishes us to speak words of truth and life into those we communicate with.

• As a means of building others up: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” (Eph. 4:29-30).

• As evidence of holiness: “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone” (Matt. 15:18-20).

• As a means of practicing wisdom: “Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col. 4:5-6).

From Minimization, Denial, and Blame to Truth

Truth and a willingness to speak honestly are key components within the Christian life. Deception and misleading behavior are valuable tools to the abusive man who consistently deceives himself, lies to his wife, and attempts to mislead everyone else. He is a master of manipulation, and that must stop and truth must come forth.

• As a means of accountability: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Eph. 4:15).

• As a means of sanctification: “Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth” (John 17:17).

• As a matter of obedience: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (Eph. 4:25).

It has been said that the greatest indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Change is difficult, some would say impossible, unless we use the power and presence of the Holy Spirit. Without intervention, it is rare to see the kind of significant heart, desire, and behavior changes we are calling for. It is all the more imperative that we as leaders and people-helpers engage in confrontational ministry that holds abusive men accountable and calls them to repentance.

Questions for Reflection

Are you and your church equipped to engage in confrontational ministry? Have you considered continued education in the area of domestic violence intervention and prevention?

Rev. Chris Moles (M.A.B.C.) is a Certified Biblical Counselor through the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC) and the International Association of Biblical Counselors (IABC). He is also a certified group facilitator in domestic violence intervention and prevention. Chris is the author of The Heart of Domestic Abuse; Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Violence and Control in the Home and founder of PeaceWorks University, a membership website that exists to help train, commission, and support biblical counselors and others to address the problem of domestic violence with the gospel of peace.