This week we continue in our PeaceWorks University member submission series. Many in our membership are already actively engaging the topic of domestic abuse through their own writing and we would like to give them the opportunity for additional exposure as well as thoughtful feedback from our readership. Please be aware that the views presented in this series do not represent the views of Chris Moles or PeaceWorks University.
The tension of broken relationships is difficult to bear, perhaps never more so than in broken marriages. Ongoing conflict and its effects on the participants and their children, the grievous knowledge that this is not the way things are supposed to be, and the desire to make progress in stuck or broken relationships all intensify our discomfort. To break the tension, people are tempted to rush the process of reconciliation, and helpers are not immune to this temptation. We can inadvertently collude with oppressors by accepting good works as a substitute for biblical confession and repentance.
I have observed a tendency to be content with less than the God-given means of restoring relationships broken by sin. Pastors and helpers accept kind words, helpful deeds and a cessation of the most egregious offenses as evidence of a changed life and a signal to begin rebuilding the marriage. They encourage the offending husband to take his wife on dates to woo her back and press the wife toward reconciliation. Often, the wife, who has seen the cycle of abuse and fears that this respite from abuse is likely short-lived, will be resistant to taking steps toward reconciliation.
What should we make of such a situation? Is the wife being hard-hearted by refusing to accept her husband’s gestures? Is she now the real problem in the marriage? Or is she right to hold out for more?
I have used a metaphor that counselees and helpers have found useful to understand the folly of moving forward with a relationship that has not been properly repaired. Picture the new home a couple moves into as they begin their lives together. Everything looks pristine and is in perfect working order. But over time, changes begin to occur. The paint fades, the drywall accumulates some dings, and the doors begin to stick, just from everyday use. Many of these changes are insignificant and can be overlooked, with a loving and happy home life still taking place within its walls. Other marks of deterioration require more urgent attention. Few would allow a flooded basement or broken water heater to go unattended for any longer than absolutely necessary. Life simply can’t go on as usual until these issues are attended to.
Allow that home to stand as a symbol for the marriage relationship. Initially, the marriage is untainted by mutual sin or neglect. But just as in their physical home, the relationship eventually shows some signs of wear. Many will be the types of the sins we commit against each other in the course of everyday life, such as a moment of irritation or a thoughtless comment. Sometimes these can be overlooked, particularly when they don’t represent the norm. But larger sins — angry outbursts, a pattern of cold withdrawal in conflict — will need to be addressed for the relationship to thrive.
Now place this metaphor in the context of oppression and abuse. The damage that oppressive and abusive behaviors cause is similar to that of an earthquake — it tears the house down completely and leaves behind a pile of rubble. We’ve all seen pictures of homes devastated by natural disasters or the bombs of war; there is little left that’s even recognizable as the home a family once shared.
What is the next step when your physical home is literally a pile of rubble? Do you begin to round up some two-by-fours to start reframing the house on the rubble pile? Do you lay some flooring over the rubble and then start to arrange furniture on it? Of course not — the very idea is ridiculous. Any house built on a pile of rubble would be extremely unstable and therefore dangerous to its inhabitants. Instead, the rubble must be cleared
away and the house rebuilt from the ground up on a firm foundation.
Such is the recovery from abuse. Kind words, gifts and acts of service have their place, but using them alone to restore a relationship is like trying to rebuild a home on a pile of rubble. However, God has given us a way forward, a relational clearing of the rubble, as it were. It is the way of confession and repentance. There is no shortcut, no means of cutting out these steps that will provide a safe and stable home. Matthew writes of the urgency and order of the required actions: “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). Reconciliation must be addressed before offering a gift.
The tax collector, Zacchaeus, provides a useful example of how to make things right. Like many in his profession, he had made a practice of abusing his position and power by collecting more taxes than were actually due, pocketing the extra for himself before remitting to Rome its portion. However, upon recognizing his sin against the Lord and the people he had cheated, Zacchaeus did not merely resolve not to gouge the people anymore. Instead, he took steps to make amends, giving half of his considerable wealth to the poor, and restoring those he had defrauded fourfold (Luke 19:8). Zacchaeus cleared away the rubble his sin had created in addition to living in a new and God-honoring way.
In the same way, those who have left their relationships in a pile of broken rubble have much work to do before rebuilding can begin. The first step is confession — specifically naming your sins, not merely behaviorally but in terms of what was happening in your heart. An example would be not merely identifying yelling as a problem, but also the anger, pride and entitlement from which those words sprang. Implicit in confession is the absence of denial, minimization, rationalization or blame-shifting; you must own your sin 100%. Next is repentance, which goes beyond mere sorrow over your wrongs, but involves a change of heart and mind that points you in a completely different direction.
Because a change in one’s inner disposition is difficult to verify, Luke 3:8 urges the sinner to “bear fruits in keeping with repentance.” A changed heart should be evidenced by a consistent pattern of changed behaviors, words, attitudes and motivations, which takes time.
When a home has been torn down by oppression and abuse, let’s not contribute to its instability and lack of safety by rushing to reconciliation and failing to clear the rubble. Offenders must be led through the process of confession and repentance before the rebuilding of their lives and home can begin.
