How can I prove to my wife/girlfriend that I won't abuse her again?

Today's post is part two in a series by counselor Allison Stevens. Read part one here.

We must be careful not to make sweeping promises never to abuse our partners again. When we do that, it puts the focus and pressure on your partner and the relationship instead of keeping it on you and doing the work of recovery for yourself.

The first step of doing the work of healing and recovery for yourself means that you can admit that your actions have been abusive. Have you acknowledged to yourself and to your wife/girlfriend that you’ve been physically abusive? Have you admitted to her that the pattern of calling her names, putting her down, trivializing her feelings and guilting her into doing things she doesn’t want to do have been emotional and verbal abuse? Have you apologized for the unwanted sexual advances, telling her no one else would ever love her? These are just a few examples of abusive behaviors in which you may have participated. It’s important, for the restoration of your heart, soul, and mind, to identify abusive attitudes and behaviors and admit them to yourself and to your partner.

Second, are you consistently seeking professional help from a trained therapist in domestic abuse? A therapist can help you identify abusive attitudes and behaviors, help you see the difference between relationships built on power and control and relationships built on equality, and show you how to develop empathy for your wife and children. Seeking help from a professional puts the focus back on you, which is where it needs to be, not on your spouse or girlfriend. An abuser, like most of us, cannot address his issues alone; he must avail himself to a therapist experienced in domestic abuse.

Third, support her decision to be safe. A separation is important so that you understand that she will not tolerate the kind of treatment you’ve given her and that you need help. Some husbands make it difficult for their wives to stick it out because they beg, plead, argue, and demand them to come home too early. They call the pastor and tell him that his wife is out of the “will of God” by not submitting to his “authority” by coming back to him. After all, the husband reasons, he’s remorseful, he’s come before the church, and now he’s ready to be a better husband. Unfortunately, I’ve seen some pastors and therapists fall for this manipulative strategy and join the abuser to put more weight on the wife to get back home before it’s time. Rushing the process of growth and healing is a sure sign that the abusive husband is indeed not interested in true growth or healing.

Any manipulation to get your wife back home or to let you come home too soon is a serious warning that you’re remaining in a place of power and trying to control her and the situation, instead of treating her with mutual equality, love and respect.

It will take a significant amount of time for you to address the reasons why you relate to your partner abusively. The road to wholeness requires that you stop making empty promises that puts pressure and focus on your spouse. Instead, focus on your healing by admitting that you’ve been abusive, get professional help, and support your partner’s decisions towards safety in herlife and relationships.

A Word To Men Who Abuse

There is a section of the West Point cadet prayer that I recite in our classes occasionally and perhaps it will be a help to you today, “Make us to choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong, and never be content with a half-truth when the whole can be won.” I know you want me to understand your point of view. I’m sure you’re desperate to have someone hear ‘your’ side of the story, but I want to challenge you to slow down for a few moments, to listen and choose the more difficult but rewarding road of responsibility. If you’ve been confronted for your behavior I know the temptation is to throw out the thousand and one excuses for what you’ve done, but that’s not going to help you and only adds to your partner’s suffering. I want to challenge you to take a break from defending your position and acknowledge a simple truth. Your behavior, attitude, words, and/or motives have hurt your spouse. True transformation requires accepting responsibility for you alone without the clutter of excuses, or justifications. Let’s begin by putting aside the tactics that tend to trap us in the way of easy wrongs. This may be hard to hear and you may find it difficult or painful to look in the mirror, but if you stick with it and take these words to heart there is hope. No, taking responsibility will not fully restore what’s been broken, it will not get you what you want and may in fact be painful, but it can be a step in restoring your soul, and possibly your relationship with God.

Final Thought:

After David’s sexual assault of Bathsheba and subsequent murder of Uriah it was the sharp words of a friend who was willing to say, “Thou art the man!” that pointed David down the difficult road of admitting his sin, the harsh reality of the consequences he’d created and finally a spirit of humility. It was in that spirit that he penned these words in response, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.  Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.” I pray you’ll choose the more difficult right today by accepting responsibility.

Peace, Chris

How will I know if my abusive husband won't abuse me again?

Today's post is part one in a two part series by counselor Allison Stevens. 

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees he won’t abuse you again. If your husband has physically harmed you, and/or had a pattern of verbal, emotional, or mental abuse, you are not obligated to stay with him as his wife. Physical and emotional safety are foundational in marriage; without it you don’t have a marriage, you’re in a prison and you’re the prisoner. No one should judge you if you can’t continue in this earthly hell and end your marriage.

But if you’ve decided, for your own reasons, to try and make the marriage work, and you’re safe from your abusive husband and he’s getting help from a therapist who’s trained in domestic violence issues, and you are making this decision on your own (no one has pressured you to stay in this marriage), then there is an important clue you should look for to know that your husband is making progress and is less likely to hurt you again in those ways.

You will see that he supports your decision to be safe. He won’t burden you with guilt to come back home to “get the family back together” before you’re ready or before he’s ready to have you back. Some husbands make it difficult for their wives to stick it out because they beg, plead, argue, and demand them to come home too early. They call the pastor and tell him that his wife is out of the “will of God” by not submitting to his “authority” by coming back to him. After all, the husband reasons, he’s remorseful, he’s come before the church, and now he’s ready to be a better husband. Unfortunately, I’ve seen some pastors and therapists fall for this manipulative strategy and join the abuser to put more weight on the wife to get back home before it’s time. Rushing the process of growth and healing is a sure sign that the abusive husband is indeed not interested in true growth or healing.

Any manipulation to get you back home or to let him come home too soon is a serious warning that he is remaining in a place of power and control over you. He’s operating out of inequality instead of mutual equality, love and respect for you. He is nowhere near ready to restore your marriage. And if you are extremely tempted by his cries for help, you are not ready to put your marriage together again. You also have more work to do on yourself.

The decision to stay in and work on an abusive marriage is a serious one and shouldn’t be taken lightly. One must realize that it is a long road to recovery; it will take a significant amount of time for the abuser to address his issues that cause him to relate to you from a place of power instead of love. And one of the best markers that he’s on the road to wholeness is that he is supportive of your decision to separate until you’ve both experienced a level of health and healing that will ensure the greatest level of safety in your relationship.

The Heart of Domestic Violence

Pastor Chris spoke at the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship pre-conference in June of 2017. Here is the recording of the session entitled The Heart of Domestic Abuse.